if only i could text you this smell
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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