Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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