I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
