I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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