She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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