Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
