dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
