So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
