I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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