halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you inspire me to be a worse person
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I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
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Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.