Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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