theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
