I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
