They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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