he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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