In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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