I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
FUCK WHALES
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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