afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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