i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
