there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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