well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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