I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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