I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
