mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
