I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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