dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
