New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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