best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Congratulations! We have a period
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
