as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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