I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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