I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
