I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
