Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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