I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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