when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
