i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
