Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
