someone threw a dead crab at me
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
