exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
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i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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