Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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