if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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