Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
