Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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