Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
