do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize