this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How does it feel to date your dad?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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