Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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