All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
