wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
