i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
