You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
