So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
