i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
