some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
