The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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